


A Very Fenders Valentine

by MaverikLoki, Ywain Penbrydd (penbrydd)



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Anal Sex, Bad Haiku, Fisting - Fenris style, Haiku, Heart-fondling, M/M, erotic asphyxiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 08:32:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3374792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaverikLoki/pseuds/MaverikLoki, https://archiveofourown.org/users/penbrydd/pseuds/Ywain%20Penbrydd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mav and I are not sorry. It's an epic smut-poetry battle, that begins with 'Roses are red' and ends in passed-out drooling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Fenders Valentine

To Fenris:

Roses are red  
My balls are blue  
I won't lick your floors  
But I might just lick you! ;D

— Happy Valentine's Day from Anders

* * *

 To Anders:

Are you trying to give me your heart? I’d be happy to hold on to it, for you. And maybe if I hold it long enough you’ll give me a reason to let your tongue anywhere near me. Oh, wait. I’m supposed to reply to this in poetry, aren’t I? *sighs*

Your heart is red  
Fade glow is blue  
I get both of these things  
When I reach into you!

— Happy Human Heart-Fondling Holiday from Fenris

* * *

To Fenris:

There you go, threatening to fondle my organs again. If you wanted my heart, all you had to do was say so. No need to get your hands dirty ~~that way~~.

Have another *clears throat*:

Blood magic is red,  
Healing is blue,  
Now, which did you need  
When you ate those mushrooms?

* * *

To Anders:

 ~~Neither, you prick, you made me a cup of _tea_.~~  

Good wine is red  
Lyrium is blue  
How much did you drink  
To make jokes of mushrooms?

And how, exactly, would you suggest I dirty my hands on this of all days, abomination? *gauntlets creak*

* * *

To Fenris:

~~it was a cup of tea made by a healer it counts _shh_  
~~

Good wine _is_ red  
Bad wine is too.  
But not at the Hanged Man.  
(PS don’t eat the stew).

~~who says romance is dead?~~

There are plenty of ways I’d like you to dirty your hands, but none of them involve wearing those gauntlets. Even _I’m_ not that kinky.

* * *

To Anders:

Romance is dead  
You will be too  
I gave you a chance  
And you brought up the stew

I’m just lucky you didn’t bring it up on my floor. Fasta vass, mage, I thought you were angling to get laid, here, not punched in the face. On the other hand, knowing you…

* * *

To Fenris:

Oh look, a threat,  
Isn’t that new!  
I’d be far more impressed  
If you weren’t rhyming too.

Your floor has enough stains as it is. And, really, we’re still talking and you haven’t punched me yet, so I think my chances are good.

~~*gets all blue and spooky*~~

* * *

To Anders:

~~*holds out hands* Stick your neck in here. :| *huffs*~~

My fingers are cold  
Would you warm them with your heart  
If I stop rhyming

Haiku? My floor has many stains of unpleasant varieties. If you stop bringing up the stew and mushrooms, I might help you add some more pleasing stains to it.

* * *

To Fenris:

~~Do I want to know how you learned to write haikus, Fenris? Is this part of your reading lessons with Hawke? How come _he_ never writes me poetry??~~

Please don’t touch my heart  
It is too soft and fragile.  
Try something less “soft”. ;)

Fair enough. No stew, no mushrooms, and certainly no mushroom stew.

* * *

To Anders:

~~Just be glad I’m not writing them in Tevene. Too soft and fragile? That’s not what you and Justice said, last time. In fact, I think the words were ‘nnngh, yes, more’.~~

~~I understand robes~~  
 ~~They conceal the boner~~  
 ~~You want me to touch~~

If I touch that scar  
Do you think we can beat four  
Legendary one?

*smug smile*

* * *

To Fenris:

~~Naughty Tevene poetry? Please. What do you think I used to write during my classes?~~

~~Te pedicabo,~~  
 ~~Tu dolor in asinum,~~  
 ~~Et amabis id.~~

*clears throat*

Well, it’s worth a try  
If your hand won’t get tired  
Gauntlets free, of course

*waggles eyebrows*

(Translation for our readers: "I'll fuck you in the ass / You pain in my ass / And you will love it")

* * *

To Anders:

~~I’ll give you a pain in your ass… And maybe a pain in your neck to go with it. I know how much you like that combo. Good luck sitting down, tomorrow.~~

You taught me to cheat  
I’m more concerned for your knees  
Than my skilful fingers

*removes gauntlets* *cracks Anders across the cheek with one* *tosses them on the floor*

* * *

To Fenris:

~~*purrs* Is that a promise, O Cranky One?~~

Big words from you, elf.  
Put money where your mouth is  
And put your mouth— _well._

*huffs and rubs his cheek* Throwing the gauntlet, eh? I accept your challenge. *grins and picks up gauntlet*

* * *

To Anders:

Oh, do you, now? *steps a whole hell of a lot closer and stares up unsettlingly*

So I should eat your ass  
Before I bang it into next week?  
Get me more wine first

~~That was in one of Varric’s books. Doesn’t sound too difficult… Does sound like I should be a lot more drunk.~~

* * *

To Fenris:

*smirks and stares back challengingly* What can I say? I like to live dangerously.

You could feast your eyes  
Or you could feast on my flesh  
Or are you all talk?

~~Oh, been reading _those_ books, have you? That explains so much.~~

* * *

To Anders:

Your coat is complex  
My solution is violent  
Strip it or I will

~~Isabela’s a fan. Says it’s important I learn to read the _best_ words, first.~~

* * *

To Fenris:

Says the spiky elf.  
You want me naked — okay!  
Now off with _your_ pants.

~~_Ha!_ Well, I’d probably remember more of _my_ lessons if they went like that.~~

* * *

To Anders:

*writhes out of skin-tight pants* *tosses them in Anders’s face*

Just the pants, mageflower?  
As you wish, so shall I do  
But you cheat yourself

*looks vexatiously catlike and smug, if pantsless*

* * *

To Fenris:

*flails around pants and tosses them aside*

The pants are a start  
Now your breastplate looks silly.  
What next, I wonder?

~~JUSTICE APPROVES OF THIS TALK OF PANTS~~

* * *

To Anders:

*the remaining armour clatters to the unlickable floor* 

No less deadly nude  
I like how you look at me  
When I remind you

~~You look good with my pants on your face. You look even better with your pants on my floor.~~

* * *

To Fenris:

Beautifully deadly.  
You are my favorite weapon  
Slay me at your will.

*smirks and crooks finger at Fenris*

 ~~You know what doesn’t look good on your floor? _All these dead bodies_~~.

* * *

To Anders:

~~I don’t know, they’ve become part of the décor, over time. The classic ‘Kirkwaller haunted mansion with corpses and shrapnel’ style.~~

*ducks under Anders’s chin and bites his throat with just enough force to make things interesting*

Slay you? What a waste.  
I thought I might impale you  
While you strain for breath

*steps back* *runs a finger along _that_ scar* *tips his head toward the bed*

~~I think we both know I’m too short to do this up against the wall…~~

* * *

To Fenris:

~~Going for serial-killer chic, I see.~~

*wraps an arm around Fenris’ waist and pulls him close*

Impaled on your sword?  
 _That_ is a death I won’t mind  
If you wield it well.

*shivers, lays back on the bed with a smirk*

* * *

To Anders:

*crawls up onto the bed between Anders’s legs*

Maybe a little death,  
Struck through with my blue-burned blade?  
Grease or spit, mageflower?

*holds out a hand, expectantly*

* * *

To Fenris:

*wraps legs around his waist*

Call me ‘mageflower’  
And I’m sure to spit _on_ you.  
But here — as you will.

*casts grease spell into Fenris’ hand, nips at his ear*

* * *

To Anders:

*first applies grease*

Had enough mage-spit  
To last me many lifetimes  
'Sparklefingers', then?

*then applies knob*

Tight-assed magisters  
Always impenetrable  
But you? So open.

* * *

 To Fenris:

*bites lip*

I’m no magister  
I do not need blood magic  
To bind you to me.

*traces the lyrium lines on Fenris’ neck with one finger*

* * *

To Anders:

*lunges forward and wraps a hand around Anders’s neck*

I am not your slave  
Is that your death wish showing?  
I will not be bound

*grinds in hard* *realises what just happened* *loosens the death grip a little*

Well done, sparkling one  
Did I not move fast enough?  
Don’t die on me, now

* * *

To Fenris:

*laughs even as he coughs and gasps for air*

Death doesn’t scare me  
I’m a Warden, remember?  
I _like_ you like this.

*smiles dizzily*

~~Death wish. Totally has a death wish.~~

* * *

 To Anders:

~~This boner has pulled~~  
 ~~All the blood out of my head~~  
 ~~And still I haiku~~

~~Who’s legendary now?~~

*picks up a demanding pace*

You destroy all things  
That you loathe, no exceptions  
Including yourself

*squeezes a little tighter, just to watch the mage’s eyes glaze*

You are delightful  
In your wretched lust for death  
I have ached for this

*loosens up a bit, since it’s hard to haiku when you can’t draw breath*

* * *

To Fenris:

I’m making haikus  
With no air in my lungs.  
I win this round, elf.

*holds on for dear life*

Careful, dear Fenris  
I might think that you like me  
Or like killing me.

~~What’s the difference, really?~~

*digs nails into Fenris’ back*

* * *

To Anders:

Haiku while I thrust  
Without choking your life out?  
Point goes to me

*grins boldly* *thrusts deep and grinds hard*

I’m sweet on the sound  
Of you raggedly gasping  
It’s not the same thing

*flexes his thumb in time with the thrusts*

* * *

To Fenris:

Maker’s balls, Fenris,  
You’re still lying to yourself  
While lying on me

*gasps and curses in anders*

If I can still Haiku  
You are not doing your job.  
Is that all you’ve got?

*grins manically*

* * *

To Anders:

Laid I upon you  
My weight would be on your neck  
Not mostly my knees

*shifts forward, bending Anders nearly in half* *squeezes tighter* *offers the other hand, translucent and blue*

We spoke of your heart  
Shall I stroke the scar on it?  
Would that sate your lust?

*ruts viciously, eyes agleam*

* * *

To Fenris:

If only I’d known  
A poem was all it would take  
I’d — _hnng_ , _shit,_ Fenris!

*clutches the headboard and swears incoherently*

* * *

To Anders:

Are you into that?  
Try asking Isabela  
She does things I won’t

*plunges other hand into the mage’s chest* *strokes and squeezes*

Is this what you want?  
Me squeezing your neck and heart  
While you pleasure me?

*starts to shake* *breathes harder* *thrusts harder*

* * *

To Fenris:

*shudders, buries his face in Fenris’ neck*

Oh, Fenris, Fenris,  
You don’t need to squeeze my neck  
To make me breathless

*skin sparks blue as he has his ‘grand finale’*

* * *

To Anders:

Abomin— _Anders!_

*totally loses it* *forgets how to breathe* *lights up like a bar sign on a dark highway*

You’re so sappy it pains me  
Don’t make me get up

*retrieves hands* *backs up a bit* *flops*

* * *

To Fenris:

*pants for breath, grinning like an idiot*

No need to get up  
You make for a nice blanket  
Though I’m a bit sore

~~Not that I’m complaining.~~

_Phew._ Look at all the poetry I’ve written you, elf. Never say I don’t do anything romantic.

* * *

To Anders:

Romance? Really? Pfft.  
I’m just in it for the sex.  
Less haiku. Sleeping.

*sprawls like a busted muppet* *drools in Anders’s chest hair (what little of it hasn’t been obliterated by scars)*

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, hey, I should mention that Anders was writ by Mav, and Fenris by Penbrydd. The Paragon of Bad Ideas vs. the Paragon of Dialogue (and neither of us dwarves...)


End file.
